The Coldwater Diaries

God guys are so dumb. Seriously. I mean they’re always going on and on with their friends about how stupid chicks are… they’re one to talk

Seriously.

I mean do guys actually think their shit works? I never really noticed it until hanging with Sonya every night the past few weeks but with my eyes open now, I’ve caught on quick.

Guys as a whole are one big walking contradiction. I’m so convinced of this now. Every once in a while you find a diamond in the rough, but for the most part they’re all the same.

And even still they have the nerve to rank on us girls. Like they’re any different?

Guys use us for what’s between our legs. It’s no secret. Even the dumbest of girls on the block is hip to this. And along with being fully aware, us girls at least admit this sad truth… we realize it. While on the other hand guys simply refuse to believe or see or admit or accept how obvious it is we as women, on the coins flipside, use men for what’s in their wallets.

In a sense we’re all trying to get in one another’s pants… but at least us girls are aware of it. We understand it…

No guy on earth is willing to accept they’re getting attention because of their account balance. They want to think we actually like them.

Spare me.

They’d implode or their worlds would fall apart if god-forbid, they actually had to look at themselves and see how… I don’t know… gross they really are.

I’ve never really walked down this hall before – in regards to what I think and feel – but Sonya opened the door… what do you want from me?

Right now I’m doing the same thing I’ve done every night for the past two weeks or so – pretending to be interested while playing right-hand for Sonya while we dance around to morons at another restaurant. Tonight it’s two guys in their early thirties – both balding – and they’re in show-business (big surprise). In their defense I will say one thing. Both of these guys (for a change) had to actually work for what they have. Unlike most the guys Sonya attracts, these two aren’t from wealthy families. Turns out – and I got all this from the bits and pieces of get-to-know-you-speak I’ve actually listened to – these guys started out as assistants and worked up to something called show-runners. I guess they’re like, I don’t know, a big deal or something. But I can’t care less about what they have to say.

These guys – along with so many others – have promised to get me a role on their show – and weeks ago that would have flown – but now, with thanks to Sonya, I know better.

So like these guys in question are speaking to Sonya and (I’d imagine) me as well and Sonya’s acting interested and I’m zoning out while occasionally smiling and I’m thinking to myself again – these two prove my theory further…

Men are shit.

I mean I’d love to give these two the benefit of the doubt – being as they’re not spoiled rotten and worked hard for what they have – yet all the same they’re assholes. Seriously. I’m sure they’ve been through enough in their climb to the top to be humbled, yet once on top, they jump straight to womanizing, lying, and whatever else. It’s like they went through all the hard work just so they can get to a point in life to be dicks.

Morons.

Children.

Boys…

And with that word – boys – allow me to rephrase my before mentioned theory.

Boy’s are shit… not men.

It’s unfair to say men are shit, because to tell you the truth, I have yet to meet one in my adventures with Sonya – save for Donnie of course. Yet again, Donnie is hardly the type to have to resort to the lengths these guys have to. He doesn’t have to bullshit his way into a girls pants. In fact, I don’t think sex is important to him. He’s the type that will let you know if he wants something from you. And if he doesn’t… well… he’ll snuff you.

I haven’t told this to Sonya yet although she’s noticed a certain degree of distance in me the past few days but I can’t get my head around anything but Donnie.

Sonya would kill me if she knew but I took his number from her phone the other day and actually called him up. The first four or six times I called he didn’t answer. Then much to my surprise around four in the morning he answered. I was all over the place and toyed with the idea of hanging up. A frog was so in my throat. But something in his voice told me he needed someone to talk to. And although Sonya considers fate a four-letter word, I saw his answering my random call as destiny.

We ended up talking for like an hour or maybe even more. The best thing is the moment he heard my voice he knew it was me. I didn’t have to go through the whole uncomfortable tango of explaining how he barely knew me and presenting a series of small and I’m sure insignificant events to him in order to jog some sort of recollection.

From the moment he heard my voice he hit the ground running, almost as if he expected my call. I asked him what he was doing. He said something like, I haven’t left my apartment all week except to see my shrink… or something like that. He was dropping jokes the entire night. Weird sense of humor… but I get him all the same.

We talked about almost anything you can think of… I really like, I don’t know, made a connection with him. Yet no matter how deep we would get, every once and a while he would drop another joke like – I threw up six times today for no reason, or, I can’t stop shaking. At first I thought it was from drinking so I stopped drinking but ate a bunch of Xanax and Adderall, and once I cut the Xanax out, I shook more. I should try and go on a dry run and cut everything out for a week but I’m afraid I’ll go into a seizure and die…

Again, like I said, weird sense of humor… but I get him.

We fit.

And I don’t know why he did it, but although the conversation he would call me Sonya here and there. Probably to suggest I’ve been hanging out with her so much I’m beginning to sound like her. He’s such a clown.

Bottom-line once I got off the phone with Donnie it was clear how right we are for one another. At one point I was sort of jealous of Sonya, thinking maybe they had gotten together in the past or something. But after talking to him the other night, I know it’s impossible for Sonya and him to have gotten together.

They’re just not compatible.

As much I’ve learned from Sonya and how alike we are now, there will always be one aspect buried deep in each of our personalities impossible to dislodge – serving as the sole element in telling us apart… our drive.

For Sonya, all she does in life – despite whatever motivations drive her – in the end she’s in it for survival. Everything she does in the pursuit of survival… insuring her being alone.

Where I on the other hand, unlike Sonya, am capable in grasping the concept of love… and in grasping that concept… I’m driven by it.

Sonya runs one way and I run the other…

And Donnie the prince just happens the same way I do….

When he wasn’t joking around we’d get deep. I’d say things to him like, where are you from… to which he’d respond by saying, where we’re from is not important, what’s important is where we’re going…

… Or another time I asked him late in the conversation about friends he has – he told me he didn’t have any. I asked him if it was hard going through life without friends. He said it was easier. With friends, he said, you’ll find once you trust them they’ll only let you down eventually… to this gem I said, well I trust you and you haven’t let me down yet… to this he says like he means it, you haven’t known me long enough…

And with every joke he would tell shortly thereafter another deep conversation begging to come out would find its way above the soil. And although he may not know it, Donnie let another part of himself out for the naked eye to see…

My naked eye…

And although I’m messing around with Sonya now, the end result will be Donnie and I… whether he knows it or not, we’re destined for one another. I’m sure of it.

So I’ll keep this shit up with Sonya here and there. Sooner than later Donnie will stop joking around and call me by my name and be himself… but if I have to poke and pry for now, so be it. He’s worth it.

A man in a city full of boys.

My man.

And while Sonya bullshits another pair and I pretend to listen to their jokes I’ve got Donnie on the brain. I wonder what he’s up to right now. Is he thinking about me?

Maybe if I can ditch these drones with Sonya soon, I’ll give him a call. I think he’d like that.

I wonder if he’s thinking about me right now…